I’m Still A Lot Closer To Love Than You Are
Geplaatst op 03-04-2025
Categorie: Lifestyle
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Last night I posted Goodbye Brain. Hello Heart. It was both a look at some of the damage I’ve done to past relationships by having my head too much in the game, and also a look at the mental struggle I had in order to finally give up on my brain and instead start dating with my heart.
The responses that came in were very much what I thought they’d be. Some people thought it was a great post and a great way to think. Others thought it was a potentially dangerous or stupid way to think.
In the end, the place I write from and the place you respond from is going to be almost completely dependent on where it is we’ve been and what successes or failures we’ve seen along the way. All of life is a balancing act between heart and mind, and every person will be in a different place at any given point of time.
My place is a place that I’m at because dating and loving with my mind has hurt me. Bad. Not letting my heart help in the translation of what love is has made my love life not just damaged, but impossible.
But I wasn’t always that way.
I used to love with my heart and not my mind. I used to allow myself to fall in love. I used to allow myself to woo women. I used to enjoy the chase. I used to cherish and appreciate women in a much deeper way.
And I got hurt.
Bad.
A few times.
Both women I ended up marrying I loved with my heart and not my mind when I courted them. And while both of those relationships eventually ended, they didn’t end because of the use of my heart. They ended because of two things. One, I started using my mind instead of my heart, and two, I eventually stopped using my mind or my heart really at all.
And so, at the ripe age of 31… I find myself single once again. I find myself wanting love once again. I find myself back in the dating game, refusing to give up just because some people tell me I should. I refuse to give up just because some people tell me I should be happy not dating. I refuse to give up just because some people tell me I’m sad, desperate, or acting out of an unhealthy place.
And I refuse to give up because even though I eventually landed hard on my face in both my marriages, the way those relationships started was among the best times I’ve ever had. They were among the happiest times. They were incredible. If they hadn’t been, they wouldn’t have led to marriage.
And yep, my heart got hurt. My mind got hurt. My soul got hurt. Both times.
But my heart also got hurt when I refused to let it be involved in the process with the women I dated since. My soul also got hurt. And I experienced some of the greatest heartache and heartbreak I ever have. Problem was, because I blocked my heart from the process during those times, I also didn’t get to experience the amazing wonder that new relationships often are. In other words, I had a lot more heartbreak and not near enough fun to make it worthwhile.
And so, the place that life has me right now taunts me, whispers to me, demands to me… let go of your mind and love with your heart again.
And because I have loved at both extremes, and because I have seen failure happen when loving at both extremes, and because I can very easily admit that failure was a lot more worth it from one of the two extremes, I have no problem saying I’d rather live at one extreme than the other. It took me a minute to get there, but I did.
One of my favorite movies is called He’s Just Not that Into You. It’s a movie that showcases several different dynamics in dating and relationships. At the heart of the movie is Gigi, a young single woman who refuses to give up on the idea of love. She refuses to give up on the idea of finding that special someone. And the entire movie she gets smacked in the face with bad dating moments, she hears the voices of others telling her how stupid love is, how unworth it love is, and how outdated love is.
Toward the end of the movie, she turns to the man who has been the biggest negative voice in her life when it comes to love (even though he felt he was being a “realistic” and “positive” mentor) and she says…
“I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much, but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You think you’ve won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way, but you don’t fall in love that way either. You have not won. You’re alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I’m still a lot closer to love than you are.”
Oh, Gigi.
That may be one of my favorite movie moments of all time. You all really have to see the entire movie leading up to it to understand why it’s so profound.
Anyway, my point is this… love is a personal quest for each of us. It’s also a need that we each have, and is often a need more powerful than food, water, shelter, or safety. I cannot judge you in your quest for love any more than you can judge me in mine.
Your triumphs have been completely different in love than mine have. Your failures have been completely different as well.
You may need to use your head more right now. I may need to use my heart more right now.
And in the end, one route is not going to get us anywhere faster than the other route. In the end, love is just love, and no matter how we dissect it, love will find us at the time it is supposed to. It will find us at the time that we have the perfect balance of head and heart thinking going on for us. And maybe the reason life whipsaws us one way or the other as often as it does is so that we can be found in the middle a little more often.